I didn’t plan on a lot of things this year. I definitely did not plan on having two surgeries 5 months apart. The first was St. Patrick’s Day. The red head awake on the operating room table for TWO hours because all my veins kept blowing. Then, the red and pink head last week who thankfully got a working vein prior to pre op, but it literally looked like a murder scene when my sweet nurses got the vein. I had to be mopped up, sheets had to be changed, lots and lots of blood. As both surgeries went in thru my tummy, I now am recovering with what looks like 5 gunshot wounds and huge bruises thanks to several injections I had to have in my belly too. I’m kind of a train wreck. But, in a way it’s cool. I have battle scars. I am a fighter. I have lived through a lot. These wounds and scars are a tiny glimpse of the severe and often debilitating pain I have lived with for years. They show I am broken and far from perfect. They remind me of my Good Shepherd Physician who has healed me on so many levels and who has sent me amazing doctors who continue to figure things out.
My scars are a huge talking point for my nephew and niece. My precious babies have to constantly examine them and have made them sensitive to people who are hurting physically. The scars have helped teach these wee ones we can pray to God through Jesus Christ for healing and help. They are a reminder for me to pray for my sweet Dr. V who has become so important to me as he cares for all his patients.
I joke about being scarred for life for being awake in an operating room for so long, because, well, it was traumatic. But now my tummy is scarred for life, but I’m thankful for it. What better reminder to see and feel these scars everyday and know that the Shepherd is faithful. He has carried me during this physically and emotionally weak time. He loves me. He cherishes me. He wants me. He has used this to prove I am his sheep and my eyes need to be on Him alone. The valleys of life are where the streams of water and growth are. I honestly find joy in these trials. No, not fun or even happiness every minute but joy. I like being able to laugh my head off even though it feels like my whole abdomen is going to rip apart. I love finding the humor of the situation and laughing at myself being more messed up at age 29 than my sweet, precious 89 year old roommate. I love seeing my sister use her nursing skills to compassionately serve me how ever I need, even with the very gross stuff…oh wait, I have watched her give birth:) I LOVE seeing my four year old nephew and two year old niece be sooooo gentle and concerned over me. My nephew telling me every day ” ok, auntie Katie, I have to take you for another walk so your tummy will feel better” melts my heart every time. Hearing all their prayers asking Christ to help me feel better brings me to tears.
Of course, Christ is able to do all this without such extreme measures. But, I am glad he has chosen this path for me because I don’t think I would be able to see His glory as clear. I’m thankful for all the above examples of His grace. I just pray I use these times of trouble to glorify Him. The pain and exhaustion become hard to bear and I don’t want to lash out at people during those times. I also have to be in constant prayer about my panic attacks. I’ve struggled with panic disorder and severe anxiety over the years and sometimes I don’t understand what triggers it. But, when I do recognize a trigger, or am in the middle of an attack, I have to choose how I react. I try to reach out to others for prayer and saturate myself in scripture so I don’t lose sight that God is sovereign even when my brain seems to malfunction.
Praise God for his promises and because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Please praise Him with me that I have not been nauseous at all in this post op time. This is a gigantic, enormous blessing. Last time around it was horrible. I have such a huge problem with nausea that I have been in total shock this time has been so different. Pray with me I continue to persevere thru the pain and healing process and that God would have mercy on me with some of my other health problems that have caused lots of pain this week as well. Also, for peace as I continue to wait for more test results on the pituitary gland problems to figure out treatment.