We made it to a new year! May God be glorified no matter what our circumstances bring. Happy New Year!!
We made it to a new year! May God be glorified no matter what our circumstances bring. Happy New Year!!
Can’t believe we are here at the end of the year. I’ve been on and off social media the past few weeks and I think I’ve come to the conclusion that staying off is better for me, mainly for my mental health but just in general. If people want to tell me things, they can do it thru the phone or in person. And, I can do the same. So, perhaps 2017 will be the year I break free of social media for good. 🙂
I ran some errands this morning but honestly, I have been in bed most of the day. My body aches and the weather doesn’t help. But yet, I love this cozy and rainy day. The snow is melting and the bitter cold has taken a break. I’ve finally felt like I have been resting. The wind is picking up and I have nowhere to go.
My goal of no social media in 2017 is kind of making headway. I’m completely off twitter and instagram, but I’m still checking Facebook here and there. I think I’m making progress. If I can get myself to where it’s not a time waster, perhaps I will just check it every now and then. Who knows.
This rainy, cozy Monday has been much needed.
Today, I have been content. I was able to stay on task to do the things I needed. I had some rest and didn’t dwell on the problems I have. I started my first James Patterson book yesterday and tonight I’m half way through. Uninterrupted reading time. Was able to pay all my bills. Again, I have no idea what is going on in the world today because no social media or news. For someone who has worked in the news business, this is a big shift. My brain needs a break. My body hurts tonight but I am in my perfect apartment with no obligations. I can just be still and rest. I’m actually forming a routine. I make myself go somewhere everyday even if I’m not feeling up to it. I have my daily habits tracker in my trusty bullet journal. I completed the whole list except one. All my family is in AZ for Christmas so I got to FaceTime everyone. My hair is still falling out like crazy from the chemo/put me in the hospital/put me in menopause drug but my doctor said it will stop once my body is used to “being pregnant” again. And as rough and terrible that drug was, it definitely helped the endo and will prolong the return of it we hope. I’m thankful I was only on it for one round and even though I have several physical side effects, my hair wasn’t gonna come all the way out. Just tons at a time. But I have a lot of hair. Eventually I’ll have nice hot again. My favorite thing about myself. My face and neck were covered in acne bumps that were so oily and painful. Now that I switched drugs they are almost gone and my face looks clear. So much to be thankful for. My body walks a tight rope with all the intertwining factors and overlapping problems. But, today is ok. I talked to my doc yesterday for a while and I did not panic. I go in to see him this next week. I am so grateful he treats me. He said we are in this for the long haul. I have a furry dog who is driving me a little crazy but he knows when I need him to “work” and do his job to ground me and lessen anxiety. I have a big bed with lots of pillows and covers so I can be cozy. All of the above is from the Creator. He’s had mercy and grace given to me each day and I am thankful. One day at a time to be content no matter the circumstance is my goal.
I’ve done this whole stay off social media before. But, this time feels different. Maybe because I’m in a reflective mood? Maybe self absorbed? I don’t really know. I do know that it feels nice to be quiet. No one knows what I did today, unless they asked or I decided to tell them. No one knows how I feel today besides a select few.
I haven’t turned the news on or know what’s trending. So, I have no idea what is going on in the world today and I like it. Selfish maybe, but freeing. Taking control of what I consume and having self control when I don’t feel like it.
December has become a month where I reflect on the year and think about goals for the new year. I did complete my goals of both reading straight through the Bible and reading 50 books (I’m on my 58th now). So, it feels good to accomplish something I have started.
So, what are my goals going to look like for 2017? I haven’t nailed them down in stone yet, but:
-Read the Bible straight thru again in the ESV. (I read NIV this year)
-Read 80 books
-walk a half marathon
-slowly get rid of social media. I say slowly because I know I am addicted. And, because I know I am addicted, then I know it needs to go for a while…or permanently. I have been reading different articles that argue social media is bad for your mental health. Depression and anxiety rise over people posting all the wonderful things they have and do, while my life seems to be going nowhere. I think there is truth to this argument because it’s easy for me to see my own envy and self-pity rise when I am on social media. Frankly, I don’t need to know where everyone is checking in for dinner, or where they are going on vacation, or what new toy they got. People can tell me these things in person. And, ummm who really cares about what I am doing day to day. If people want to know, they can ask me. Even the Christian debates are tiring. Get off your computer and actually influence people’s real lives and not try to convince people of a certain concept virtually. I have really lost a lot of respect for people and it’s usually based on their social media presence. Because, if I didn’t know their thoughts on things, my lenses wouldn’t be biased based on things I have seen them say.
It’s funny because my blog automatically posts to my social media pages. So, I guess if people do want to read my thoughts they can follow my quirky blog, or ask me in person. Hopefully, by the end of next year I will be off all of the social media platforms…unless I need to buy some lularoe, which can only happen thru facebook. But, I think i am covered in that dept for now.
Remember when that word was a thing?! It’s along the same lines as “just kidding!” That is not the type of psych I am talking about tonight though. Oh wait, it was a TV show too. Ok, back on track. I am “outing” myself as a psych patient. Yep, two of the 7 hospitalizations I’ve had since July were in the psychiatric unit..er..Behavioral Health Unit of the hospital. Medications for my endo and other stuff ended up being too much for my system and I got hit with the side effects pretty hard, esp since i have been diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder, anxiety and panic disorders and bipolar 2. So, doctors don’t really come to a consensus with me because I have so many physical problems, which add to the equation. The docs have said several times “we are walking a tight rope with you.” They just don’t know how my body and mind will respond.
I was horrified to be put in the hospital for these reasons. At least when you are in the hospital for medical reasons you get put on the prayer sheet, receive visitors and meals and cards and whatever. The stigma attached to mental illness is not so. You tell your closest friends and family so they don’t think you are dead (the hospital takes all your stuff so no cell phones). You don’t call the church to ask the members to pray because then you are the church nutcase. So, because nobody knows, you don’t get meals or cards. In the two different weeks I was in the hospital I got one visit each time. A lot of my fellow patients got none.
Being in a psych unit was scary at first because what I have seen visiting others and on tv. The hospital I was at was wonderful. It’s basically a cross between summer camp and prison. You get escorted up to the unit by security, then you basically get strip searched and all my different surgery scars had to be counted. Then I was given back my stuff that wasn’t contraband and the rest was locked up. Had to cut the drawstring out of my sweatpants. You wear street clothes that abide by the guidelines, some people have a roommate, and you don’t lay in a hospital bed all day. We got to pick our meals (and sometimes got what we ordered HA!). We ate as a group, had group therapy and occupational therapy and all sorts of stuff. And we would meet individually with the team of doctors a few times a day to figure out the best course of action. Since I was in for side effects of meds and pain control, I had to be monitored to make sure the meds weren’t interacting. I made a lot of friends and we all shared a lot of laughs ironically. I learned a lot from my two times there. And, my medical team all works together and my after care has been good. I’ve dealt with this for a long time and thankful that even my endo doctor cares enough about me to listen and do everything he can, even when I am really bitchy to him.
I don’t mean for this to be a pity-party post. Most people who know me well, know that I am a pretty open book with my life and I think God has used that the most with mentoring my inmates. I know what it’s like to have a parent incarcerated. I know what it’s like to feel like life is just a dead end. But, I also know what it’s like to have Hope!
If it weren’t for the Hope of Jesus Christ, I would not be alive today…literally. I sat in the hospital thinking ok, the Holy Spirit is in me and gave me wisdom to come to the hospital. But, what about the people who do not know Christ. Why would there be a reason to live because life really would be meaningless. That goes for any trial life brings.
The aim of this story time is to let others know about this Hope and that I have been there and honestly, every day is a huge struggle for me, my mind and my body. I am thankful for my faithful friends and family who have hung in there. I have been abandoned soooo many times in the past that I have to let people love me and not assume they will leave too…or as Kevin Butcher said countless times to me, “Don’t you dare assign motive to me!!!”
Having a 5 year old nephew and 3 and 1 year old nieces pray with me, and call me in the “hostable” during phone times (think prison LOL) when they don’t even know the severity of the mess I am. They just know I am their Aunt Katie who loves them and they love me and scream with glee when they see me despite my scars.
My wise and rational friends remind me that God IS using this all for His glory and I just do not see it, and my feelings and emotions do not equal Truth in the Word.
I have wanted to publish this post for a while but have hesitated. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. If you need someone to listen, I am here. Hope is here.
I hope you liked that click-bait title. 🙂 Be still and wait.
Those words seem to be the theme right now. My life is not going the way I dreamed and thought it would. I am impatient. I want to be strong physically and mentally. God has His ways. They are higher than mine. I keep having to tell myself I only see a small sliver of what God is doing in my own life and others. My body has gone through menopause and now we are tricking it into thinking it’s pregnant. I don’t get a lovable baby at the end. When my body is done thinking it’s pregnant, I will most likely have another surgery to cut out the disease that has grown. Even in a real pregnancy, waiting and what ifs exist. What will the baby look like? Will he or she be healthy? How hard will the delivery be? So many unknowns. So much faith needed.
No matter how my body and mind get out of whack, God carries me through the waiting without letting me go. He is my Creator and knows exactly what is happening. The constant news of people getting married and getting pregnant and buying a house or getting a promotion sometimes hurts and leaves me asking why not me? He loves me, He knows me and He wants me. I want to be strong. I am strong.