As usual, I have neglected my blog. Mostly because I haven’t even known what to write and partly because I have been writing in my journals. Getting all the thoughts out of my brain and on paper is very therapeutic for me.
The theme of my life right now seems to be suffering. 2016 has been one major loss after the next, as I have written about before. However, in April and May I went through Jen Wilkin’s bible study on 1 Peter in prep for the Gospel Coalition’s Women’s Conference in June. What a timely study making me enjoy and cherish the Word of God on a deeper level. The conference was amazing. Hearing Tim and Kathy Keller, Kathleen Nielson, Jen Wilkin, and John Piper speak, among others…wow! Meeting Rosaria Butterfield and Nancy Guthrie and Don Carson and Jen Wilkin…oh my heart! And the Getty’s. If you know me in person you have heard this 100 times already. A whole weekend of worship with them, my favorite group, meeting them…esp Patrick the Piper…my soul was satisfied in Him! Meeting all sorts of wonderful women from around the country who love Jesus and His Word and sharing the journey with one of my best friends made it a highlight of my life.
Then, I came home and started memorizing and studying James, basically because it was another study by Jen Wilkin and I really appreciate how she sets up her studies. And, what do you know! The theme of chapter one has been trials- not if I face them but WHEN I face them. At church our sermon series has been on the Minor Prophets. Last week as I showed up a total mess and cried thru the entire service, my pastor started teaching on Zechariah. More comfort for suffering.
I am baffled by God’s goodness to His people. I’m baffled by His goodness to me. I just had surgery in March that was pretty extensive, including getting rid of the current endometriosis my doc could see among other things. It went great. We were very positive with the treatment I would continue, it would give me relief and prevent the disease from growing for a while. Well, here we are four months later and it’s baaaaaack! I was admitted to the hospital over 4th of July for two nights and had a lot of testing done to make sure it wasn’t any new problems, and to try to get things under control. Neither my doc nor I want to do another surgery right now because it will be too much trauma for my body. So, we are trying the next best thing to surgery. Lupron is a chemo drug that is used for hormone related cancers sometimes and it is putting me in menopause so that my system is shut down. Sorry for the TMI🙂 The goal is to give my body a break and to keep the disease from spreading. It has been very scary and has had lots of side effects, including making my symptoms way worse as the body shuts down. Anyway, I have not been happy.
I cried my eyes out in the hospital as I would have never expected my life to be like this at age 30, and this was the first hospital trip I didn’t have my grandma to call and discuss all the different factors with her. She considered herself a medical expert. Oh how I miss her so much. But, my grandpa discussed things with me and prayed with me along with friends who came in to visit. God provides.
My body has been going crazy with everything and this year has also triggered major depression of my struggles with bipolar. So, many factors are at play.
I am not writing this post for everyone to have a pity party with me. I have had plenty of those the past several weeks and they aren’t productive. I am writing this post to show that God can be trusted with the promises he gives believers in His precious Word. I have fought to be independent and right now that is just not happening. I am blessed to be living with a family from church who loves me and is letting me rest and just have a safe and stable place to heal. My friends and family have come along side me and have made it safe to cry and laugh and be really honest about how I am doing without fear of being abandoned because I am too much trouble. I even have a hashtag now that they remind me I am allowed to be needy right now… #beaburden. I am not good at letting others help me. The way people constantly txt, call, send messages to me to laugh and encourage and just giving me company while I can’t do much is overwhelming because it points me to Christ, the Provider of my needs. He has made His presence known even when I refuse to acknowledge Him and try to figure out my problems by myself.
I am really having a hard time accepting all that has gone on this year and the things I will continue to have to deal with. But, there is a reason I have Isaiah 55 tattooed on my wrist. God’s ways continue to be higher than mine.
I know I don’t handle my circumstances in the best way, but I am a work in progress and pray that whoever has read my post to the end will be encouraged. God LOVES you. What he says is true. You will have trouble in this world, but Christ has overcome it and will not leave you alone to fend for yourself. He just won’t. My hope can’t be in health, or people or money. There is no guarantee I will ever get better. People who love us die, like Grandma Jane, and some people abandon us in our time of need. I can’t work right now so my hope can’t be in getting rich and doing whatever the heck I want. My hope must be in Christ alone. He is the only person who will not get up and leave, and he is eternal. He is my salvation. He will hold me fast. He loves me!