Robin Williams

My heart breaks over Robin Williams death. Like most people, he shaped my childhood entertainment. My closest connection to him is that he went to my small prep school’s rival school here in Detroit. I stared in disbelief at my screen when I read the reports of his apparent suicide. I’ve known he has struggled with deep depression. I think that’s what has touched me the most. It saddens me to know how much pain he must have been in. He made us all laugh but hurt deeply inside. I get it. I’ve been a mental health advocate ever since getting diagnosed with both panic disorder and bipolar 2. I’ve been in verrrrrry dark places. It’s by the grace of the Shepherd’s hope, family and friends and a great medical team that I am alive and joyful. Things can look so dark, but there is always, always hope. I pray for Robin Williams family. May they find peace in Jesus Christ and know they are not at fault. Depression is ruthless, it’s not their fault. They probably didn’t see it coming. I pray that since seeing the devastation suicide causes through a public figure, people reach out for help if they are feeling like life is crashing in around them. I also pray we will be kind to people. I usually never know what is going on in someone’s mind who is passing by me, so I pray I will have even more compassion through the power of Christ. Reach out if you are hurting, to me or someone else. This isn’t a well written or profound post. The joy of The Lord is my strength, and it has to be esp during the dark times. Joy comes in the morning! Robin Williams wasn’t able to see himself the way God sees him. I pray you can see yourself how God sees you.

The girl who cried ‘Abba’

Abba! My Abba! You are so good to me. I’ve cried your name so much lately for so many different reasons and you answer. You delight in me. You pursue me. You love me. What have I done to deserve your love? Grace. You pour out your grace…and mercy and hope. I am reeeeally good at being overwhelmed, and even better at panicking. You know my brain inside and out. My brain with its garbled bipolar system is fearfully and wonderfully made. I know your works are wonderful. The panic disorder, the bipolar disorder and all my other medical problems are just circumstance. You have and will use these messes to be a message to your glory. My my overwhelmed heart and mind be turned into an ovation of Christ Jesus. May my panic vanish to peace only Christ can give. May the bipolar force me to turn my eyes to Jesus and believe what he says to me. Joshua 1:9

Abba, I belong to you!

Your foundsheepkatie

Panic!

Panic is a state that I am very familiar with. I can relate well with panic. Panic is my frenemy. I admit we are well acquainted,yet he really doesn’t act like a friend should. We can all find something to panic about. However, my body takes panic to a whole new level. It can be a part of bipolar disorder, but having panic disorder is a monster in itself. It’s like your body has no idea what to do and it thinks it needs to protect itself with the ‘fight or flight’ thing but there is nothing there to harm it. My experience with it is probably different from the next person. I have had panic as a coping mechanism for most of my life. I remember actually having my first panic attack in high school. I was playing tennis in a match against another club and all of a sudden I felt like I was going to die. That is not an exaggeration. I could barely breathe, my chest hurt, I was dizzy and figured ok…this is the end. No one around me probably even noticed anything was wrong. I have definitely had more encounters with panic disorder than I can even write about here…the biggest being going to the ER a few different occasions because I thought I was having a heart attack and on another occasion a stroke.

Why am I telling you this? We all struggle with some form of anxiety. The question becomes what do we do with it? Do we let it overtake our thinking and way of processing things like I have, or do we get down on our knees and tell the Shepherd what is going on and ask him to take it. I understand my homies who read this who also have panic disorder will argue that we don’t always know why the body takes over and gets itself in a tizzy. True. I often do not know what exactly has triggered it and what I am even anxious about. But, even in those moments of not knowing, I can still choose to let it be an alarm that I just need to sit with Abba Shepherd and listen to his words. I need to enjoy His presence and just be still. Our Abba knows we don’t have it all together and we like to think we are in control of everything. So, what will you do with your anxiety? It quickly can overwhelm us and zap the energy from our day.

I am slowly learning that panic isn’t me. It doesn’t define me. It’s what I have learned and what my body thinks it has to do. So, I can deal with severe panic when it comes by turning it into prayer! I am so thankful for Abba’s continual mercies as this is a slow process for me.

Day 15: opportunities

I am thankful for the opportunities God has given me to share my story and connect with people. I don’t know that I really have much of a story to tell, however, I do have lots of hope to share and that hope is Jesus Christ! Whether it be doing life with people in prison to speaking and writing about my own struggles, I hope to bring hope to the hopeless. I have dear people in my life to encourage and support me thru this journey, as difficult as it sometimes feels, and I pray Christ will be known better and more fully. I have no idea why God chooses to work through me in this way, but if he can use me, He can use anyone. He is GOOD!!!!

experiencing God’s love

This post may not make sense to anyone but me but I feel like I have to write it as my life is changing so much right now. I have known in my head and heart that God loves me for most of my life. He says he loves me and I believe him. To be totally honest, I have never experienced his love in such a real way as I have the past few months. He loves me and he has been using people to show me that love and I am finally able to start seeing it. The author Brennan Manning has been very influential in this. I’m overwhelmed by Christ when I read his works. My church family in general have been very instrumental along with specific friends and mentors. I have a new adopted dad who is showing me concepts that are totally foreign to me and that I have a really hard time with, but he loves me and I might actually be starting to believe him. He gets me. It’s overwhelming, in a good way I guess. I have people in my life who love me for me. Not because I behave in the way they want or because I am rich or have an impressive career. Again, new concepts for me. It sounds so dumb. Like, I should have gotten this quicker, but somehow that is what I have learned in my life and it’s definitely not Biblical thinking. People don’t just put up with me because they have to. They love me and are showing me how God sees me. I have never been in environments where I have felt this way before. And to think that if I hadn’t gone thru the trials I have gone thru I would not be experiencing this joy right now because I would have been satisfied with the status quo! I have a mom and sister who listen to my rants and passionate ideas and who I can laugh my head of with and tease. I have a grandma who I take after and causes trouble wherever she goes, just like me. She prays with me and tries to convince me to vote how she votes and likes to hear what I am doing and plays all the word games on the ipad. I have a grandpa who makes sure I have toilet paper and fire extinguishers and flash lights on hand for any potential emergency. I have my adopted siblings who are hilarious and who keep me honest and remind me to have fun and not be serious and who put up with my Ron Paul rants!

I have no job, literally no money, have 2 chronic illnesses that are well…interesting… but, wow! I seriously have so much joy in Jesus. Even when I can’t get my brain out of panic mode and when I am not happy. I am so loved and know that I know Christ and am sooooo beyond gracious he has chosen to reveal His love to me in such practical ways that I can see so clearly with my wounded brain and heart of mine!

To God be the Glory!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 5

A Monday morning with the sun trying to peak thru the clouds. THANK YOU LORD!!!

The opportunities to share bits of my story. Def not my idea of how I would be sharing Christ with people, but wow! I could never fathom the ways God has allowed me to watch him work in people’s lives. Thankful he can use even broken me!

Modern medicine. It’s a hard thing to be thankful for as I don’t like having to use it. But, it’s a provision directly from the Shepherd and a great reminder that I am dependent on Him alone.

To God be the Glory!

Daylight savings

I do not do well with the time change. Only an hour can screw me up. Darkness setting in before 6pm along with gloomy Michigan grayness makes it so my work is cut out for me this winter. I will do my best to stay positive and keep myself healthy by exercising and getting out even though my body says to go to sleep when it’s dark. One day at a time. Gotta live in the moment and enjoy the Shepherd no matter what the weather is. Technically, every day is a sunny day because the sun is always shining- I just can’t always see it. Bring it, winter!

If only…

Is a very dangerous phrase and one I find myself getting caught up in using. When I’m not feeling well, as I am now, I catch myself saying…if only my circumstances were better then this darn bipolar episode would be so much easier to handle and wouldn’t be as bad. Then I remember, oh yea…this disorder isn’t based on circumstances. I’ve had some of my absolute worst episodes while everything and everyone around me is doing great!!!!! We all get caught up in the if only game. It’s usually the times I feel most weak when I see God at work the most. Praise him for being the strength thru my weakness. Praise him that just because I feel and look like a failure to the world, I am doing and being what he has called me to do and be. Praise him for support of others during my rough times financially and emotionally. Praise him for supplying me my daily manna and reminding me that I need not worry about tomorrow- just be thankful and praise for today’s provisions. Praise Abba for making me his child!!!

patience is annoying

I lack patience. I realize my live verses in Isaiah 55 that talk about my ways and thoughts not being God’s ways and thoughts should comfort me, but…the waiting is getting old. Frankly, I am discouraged…haven’t been feeling well…tired of not having money to get the simplest things…and feeling like a failure. So, I must spend time with my Abba Shepherd tonight and remain faithful even though I do not understand this time frame. HE is all I need and I love and trust Him. I am really good at giving him advice on what he needs to do to make my life easier. Working on that. I am Abba’s Child. Abba knows best. Pray I learn this more and more each day.

300th post

Ha! Apparently this is my 300th post. If you still read my blog, thanks for sticking with my ramblings and thoughts for all this time. In the writing world, this isn’t a huge deal, but I’m happy to write and write some more.

Oh…and happy bipolar awareness day !

:):