Gracious

The Lord has been gracious to me today. Such busy hours with many different people flying by. Many answers to prayer. Many moments to be still. I’m weary but rejoicing. Gentle quietness calms my soul. So many unknowns and so many provisions. This path I’m on is not what I pictured in the slightest. I’m content and excited. The pain of old wounds continue to heal because the joy of The Lord is my strength. Anxiety melting, body (mind and spirit) solidifying. Am I living as if I truly believe I am who God says I am, who God says HE is? Gracious Abba, I belong to you. I love you. Make yourself known to others needing your perfect peace and please use me.

Frigid

We are so hardcore in Michigan. It’s not even funny. In the words of my friend…we are Michigangsters! I can guarantee we will never take for granted being able to start our cars, going outside without our nostrils freezing, and every spring and summer day. This has been a very rough winter for me. Besides the sub zero temps, I have been constantly sick, constantly (literally) broke and constantly wondering what God is up to. I found out this week I most likely have Lyme Disease. I am thankful for a possible answer, but am really exhausted with all of life’s happenings. All I want to do is go to the prison and visit my loves, but it just hasn’t been able to happen. I have not been happy. I’m thankful for my mom and her constant support even though I am not the kindest person to her. She cares for me from afar. I don’t know what God is thinking, but He sees the complete picture. The Shepherd loves me even when I refuse to acknowledge His presence. I love the laughter He gives me from friends and family. I am beyond thankful for a warm and cozy apartment to live. I’m grateful for a job in this crazy time of uncertainty. Thank you, Abba!

Shout His Praises. Tell of His goodness!

Praises!

-new contact in prison ministry. Author of “Doing His Time” is sending me 36 copies of his book and he will be shipping cases of the book to all the prisons my church has inmates in!! So thankful for his support of my ministry and how he believes the Holy Spirit has directed us together. I know he will be an amazing mentor and partner as I do life in prison.

-feeling healthier. Going back to work tomorrow. While apprehensive, thankful for a job.

-my Abba. He loves even me!

The best Christmas ever!

This has been the best Christmas of my entire life, and I have had 27 of them. This year has been different. Christmas day hasn’t even arrived and I have already experienced the most joyful and loving Christmas I could imagine. I spent the entire day at the Prison yesterday. The days I have been at the prison are days that are quickly becoming the most meaningful days of my life. I met with all four of the women I am mentoring. One of which I hadn’t even met yet- only written to. She’s thirty-two and has been in prison for over two years. Everyone in her life has disowned her. I was her first visit she has ever had. This humbled me and was great affirmation from God that I was in the place I needed to be yesterday. Funny how I *almost* didn’t go because I had stuff I wanted to get done at home. We talked and talked. She told me how she wanted to know God personally because he feels so far away. She had many questions and has had one awful thing happen to her after the next over the past several weeks. At one point she just stopped and said..Katie, I thought being in prison was bad enough…why do awful things just keep happening? I said I didn’t know. The things she described ARE awful. I don’t know why God has been allowing them. I do know that when we can seek the Lord while he may be found and call upon Him because he is near. His ways and thoughts are way higher than ours.

So, we looked thru the Word. We talked about her past and how we similarly have a hard time trusting people. We prayed.

We prayed that this would be the day She knew she is for sure a daughter of God, part of His family. She belongs to someone. She is so dearly loved. I tried not to cry (cause you don’t cry in prison) but I was overjoyed by the work of the Holy Spirit behind bars. She needed assurance and for someone to just decide to be Christ to her. I told her, Girl, this is YOUR day. We are sisters and you are just as much as part of my family as my church and biological family are. She was glowing. I have never experienced anything quite like this.

God has placed a huge burden on my heart for women in prison. When I go into the prison, it’s only by the Holy Spirit’s power that I see these women as beautiful people lost from their Shepherd. I don’t consider myself any different from them. Even the women I don’t know yet who I watch, my heart longs to to just be present with them. I don’t know why God has called me to these people. But, I am glad he has. It’s funny that I have had to go behind bars to learn what true freedom is.

This morning I shared my praises at church and the joy and love I felt when the entire church was cheering, amen-ing, and hallelujah-ing and clapping with joy for our new sister was incredible. They know that our new sister received the gift of what Christmas is all about. Jesus came into the world so that we may have life thru Himself. A lost sheep has been found by her Shepherd

who gets to speak

I’ve been very distracted by the views of those around me lately. I want to be on the same page as people…but let’s face it. I’m not. Tons of viewpoints from people in and around my life can really lead me away from the Shepherd. This includes Christians. The more the Shepherd burdens my heart, the more I have to be cautious of who I am letting actually speak into my life. I can listen to what other people say and think about things, but it’s best to hear from the Shepherd himself. He does speak through others and I am glad for that. If I didn’t have wise counsel in my life…I’d have a huge problem. I know Abba has brought people to speak His Truth into my life because they exhibit Jesus. I want to seek the Shepherd’s voice as a sheep only will come to his shepherd’s call. So many try to mimic the Shepherd. I don’t want to be swayed out of complacency to my Shepherd. Abba, make me teachable and moldable for yourself…not to others.

My heart hurts

My heart hurts for the lost. My heart hurts for people who claim to be followers of Jesus. So much sadness in our world. Abba, why? Why are christians mad at the lost when their hearts should be breaking for them? You can’t see light when you are in darkness. Why do some christians seem so lacking in compassion and more apt to debate and want to be right? Why do people feel so fired up about arguing about gun control, and unions, and other laws and yet are so passive when it comes to loving people, meeting people’s needs in practical ways, and just being present? Why do people throw words around carelessly to make a point? Mental illness, workers rights, homelessness, prison are usually discussed by the simple minded when the factors involved in these issues are anything but simple. I thought we as christians were supposed to look different to the world. Hmmm, we seem to have a long way to go.

The girl who cried ‘Abba’

Abba! My Abba! You are so good to me. I’ve cried your name so much lately for so many different reasons and you answer. You delight in me. You pursue me. You love me. What have I done to deserve your love? Grace. You pour out your grace…and mercy and hope. I am reeeeally good at being overwhelmed, and even better at panicking. You know my brain inside and out. My brain with its garbled bipolar system is fearfully and wonderfully made. I know your works are wonderful. The panic disorder, the bipolar disorder and all my other medical problems are just circumstance. You have and will use these messes to be a message to your glory. My my overwhelmed heart and mind be turned into an ovation of Christ Jesus. May my panic vanish to peace only Christ can give. May the bipolar force me to turn my eyes to Jesus and believe what he says to me. Joshua 1:9

Abba, I belong to you!

Your foundsheepkatie

Panic!

Panic is a state that I am very familiar with. I can relate well with panic. Panic is my frenemy. I admit we are well acquainted,yet he really doesn’t act like a friend should. We can all find something to panic about. However, my body takes panic to a whole new level. It can be a part of bipolar disorder, but having panic disorder is a monster in itself. It’s like your body has no idea what to do and it thinks it needs to protect itself with the ‘fight or flight’ thing but there is nothing there to harm it. My experience with it is probably different from the next person. I have had panic as a coping mechanism for most of my life. I remember actually having my first panic attack in high school. I was playing tennis in a match against another club and all of a sudden I felt like I was going to die. That is not an exaggeration. I could barely breathe, my chest hurt, I was dizzy and figured ok…this is the end. No one around me probably even noticed anything was wrong. I have definitely had more encounters with panic disorder than I can even write about here…the biggest being going to the ER a few different occasions because I thought I was having a heart attack and on another occasion a stroke.

Why am I telling you this? We all struggle with some form of anxiety. The question becomes what do we do with it? Do we let it overtake our thinking and way of processing things like I have, or do we get down on our knees and tell the Shepherd what is going on and ask him to take it. I understand my homies who read this who also have panic disorder will argue that we don’t always know why the body takes over and gets itself in a tizzy. True. I often do not know what exactly has triggered it and what I am even anxious about. But, even in those moments of not knowing, I can still choose to let it be an alarm that I just need to sit with Abba Shepherd and listen to his words. I need to enjoy His presence and just be still. Our Abba knows we don’t have it all together and we like to think we are in control of everything. So, what will you do with your anxiety? It quickly can overwhelm us and zap the energy from our day.

I am slowly learning that panic isn’t me. It doesn’t define me. It’s what I have learned and what my body thinks it has to do. So, I can deal with severe panic when it comes by turning it into prayer! I am so thankful for Abba’s continual mercies as this is a slow process for me.

experiencing God’s love

This post may not make sense to anyone but me but I feel like I have to write it as my life is changing so much right now. I have known in my head and heart that God loves me for most of my life. He says he loves me and I believe him. To be totally honest, I have never experienced his love in such a real way as I have the past few months. He loves me and he has been using people to show me that love and I am finally able to start seeing it. The author Brennan Manning has been very influential in this. I’m overwhelmed by Christ when I read his works. My church family in general have been very instrumental along with specific friends and mentors. I have a new adopted dad who is showing me concepts that are totally foreign to me and that I have a really hard time with, but he loves me and I might actually be starting to believe him. He gets me. It’s overwhelming, in a good way I guess. I have people in my life who love me for me. Not because I behave in the way they want or because I am rich or have an impressive career. Again, new concepts for me. It sounds so dumb. Like, I should have gotten this quicker, but somehow that is what I have learned in my life and it’s definitely not Biblical thinking. People don’t just put up with me because they have to. They love me and are showing me how God sees me. I have never been in environments where I have felt this way before. And to think that if I hadn’t gone thru the trials I have gone thru I would not be experiencing this joy right now because I would have been satisfied with the status quo! I have a mom and sister who listen to my rants and passionate ideas and who I can laugh my head of with and tease. I have a grandma who I take after and causes trouble wherever she goes, just like me. She prays with me and tries to convince me to vote how she votes and likes to hear what I am doing and plays all the word games on the ipad. I have a grandpa who makes sure I have toilet paper and fire extinguishers and flash lights on hand for any potential emergency. I have my adopted siblings who are hilarious and who keep me honest and remind me to have fun and not be serious and who put up with my Ron Paul rants!

I have no job, literally no money, have 2 chronic illnesses that are well…interesting… but, wow! I seriously have so much joy in Jesus. Even when I can’t get my brain out of panic mode and when I am not happy. I am so loved and know that I know Christ and am sooooo beyond gracious he has chosen to reveal His love to me in such practical ways that I can see so clearly with my wounded brain and heart of mine!

To God be the Glory!!!!!!!!!!!!!

patience is annoying

I lack patience. I realize my live verses in Isaiah 55 that talk about my ways and thoughts not being God’s ways and thoughts should comfort me, but…the waiting is getting old. Frankly, I am discouraged…haven’t been feeling well…tired of not having money to get the simplest things…and feeling like a failure. So, I must spend time with my Abba Shepherd tonight and remain faithful even though I do not understand this time frame. HE is all I need and I love and trust Him. I am really good at giving him advice on what he needs to do to make my life easier. Working on that. I am Abba’s Child. Abba knows best. Pray I learn this more and more each day.